Showing posts with label Family memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family memories. Show all posts

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Of Homesickness, Hemant Kumar & Geeta Dutt







There is something about spending a few weeks in your hometown, not really doing much but just being in the home where you came of age, where you lived for about 18 years and which was always your go-to place even after you moved away.

Don't get me wrong. I am not being melodramatic or overly romantic about this experience of being back in one's childhood home. Like most adults of my age I have my own inner and outer struggles to deal with when it comes to matters related to family, home, and family home. Homesickness and longing for my present home is definitely one of those struggles. Because of some difficult circumstances during the last year and a half I have had to spend a lot of time (A LOT!) in my childhood home, either taking care of some tough situations or simply being around when things were beyond me. Such experiences bring up their own set of challenges. Some easier to deal with, some not.

But there is one interesting thing I have discovered during the last year and a half. For some reason, being in this space called childhood home makes me especially long for old Hindi film songs. Especially those songs that I haven't listened to in a long time. Weird? Maybe. But perhaps not so weird, because after all it was in this very space that I discovered my fondness for old Hindi film songs. It was this space where I developed an appreciation for those melodious compositions and those heart-stirring lyrics. All that and more, thanks to some wonderful conversations with my father.

Being in this space reminds me of those lovely weekday evenings and those lazy Sunday afternoons, listening to oldies on the radio. For many of those songs my father would share some interesting tidbits -- who was the composer, which was the first song composed by that composer, which lyricist was the favourite of which composer, which singer had refused to sing for which composer, etc. He would remember such trivia for so many songs. As a child I used to marvel at his memory.

I still do, actually. He is very good at memorizing and recalling on demand many details on which I would rather not spend any time or any part of my mental energy - bank account numbers, PAN card numbers, passport numbers, voter registration numbers, all those numbers that are part of modern living. And he doesn't remember such details only for himself, but also for all his children (perhaps, even his grandchildren I believe, though I need to check with him on this last point.)

But I was speaking of music. Old Hindi film music. Obviously, my taste in Hindi film music is to a large extent influenced by the kind of music my father admired. Though it doesn't mean that we have exactly identical tastes. In fact, there are many, many songs that he enjoys but I don't care about. However, we certainly agree on two things - Hemant Kumar and Geeta Dutt. We both enjoy pretty much every song these two talented singers ever sang in their lifetimes.

Maybe that's the reason whenever I am back in my childhood home and feeling homesick for my current home which is about 2300 kms away, I find myself falling in love once again with some of the old favourite songs in the melodious voices of Hemant Kumar and Geeta Dutt. In a strange way, listening again and again to some of those old songs actually works as a cure for the feeling of homesickness. Perhaps listening to those songs somehow puts me back in touch with that forgotten feeling of "being at home" which I used to always experience in this childhood home of mine, many, many, many years ago. Perhaps listening to those songs brings me home in a way.

The song that did this two days ago was this one:


Singers: Hemant Kumar, Geeta Dutt, Composer: Mukul Roy, Lyricist: Shailendra 
Film: Detective (1958)


And if you want to know which Hemant Kumar song did the same trick yesterday, click here.

Photo: A little corner of my home, one particular morning


*****
To check out the previous post in the series "All Music is...", click here.
To check out all the posts in this series, click here.



Thursday, 18 September 2014

Because I Must...

They suggested I should write about writing.

Writing, in this moment, means only one thing – to express what fills my heart.


*****

It has been more than 10 months. Soon it will be a year.

Her presence is everywhere, in each corner of this home.

Her presence will be till the home remains. But perhaps time has to come to say goodbye to the house. The children insist.

After 40 years I’ll move house. She too will move with me. To our new home.

Home will be where her presence is and will be.

*****


I write, because I must.



Image: Google, altered


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Saturday, 5 July 2014

Yellow

A new post in the series - Light and Sound
When a picture searches for its music, or a piece of music finds its right picture...the result is a magical experience of Light and Sound.





Yellow, her favourite colour, 
Like the golden-light of her widest smile.
Hiding just enough of that slightly-chipped tooth, 
Exposed in a full-hearted-laugh, in a little while. 

A white-and-sea-green dress, her favourite pearls, 
A head-scarf covering where silvery-grey once shone
They celebrated with her, her birth and life, 
This day, last year, striving that pain isn’t shown.

Eyes full of unspoken thoughts, he sat quietly, 
Aloof, alone, in the middle of it all. 
Burdened by the pain-to-come his heart let out
A sigh that broke down the teary-eyed wall.

Krishna! The Yellow-robed One
In your flute I’ll find my lost Sun.






~ Photo by Suhas Mehra

*****
This is my 100th post for the calendar year 2014. And I thank whosoever planned it to be this way. There is no way I could have planned this special number for this special 100-word-post triggered by a very special memory and experience.
Krishna, You Alone Are!

*****
For previous post in this series, click here.
For all posts in this series, click here.

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Linking this post with ABCWednesday: Y, Y is for Yellow





Thursday, 19 June 2014

Renew and Refresh

A new post in the series - When a Picture Leads




This picture speaks to me of Renewal. Refreshing. Rekindling of hope.

This picture was taken by me in Auroville a few months after the mighty destructive cyclone Thane hit Pondicherry and Auroville area on December 30, 2011. According to some estimates, about 40% of the trees in Auroville were uprooted or destroyed because of the devastation. (And if you know anything about Auroville, you must know something about its thick green cover, its massive trees and vegetation and its red earth. And you perhaps also know about the 40 years of hard work and great effort put in by the dedicated Aurovillians and local villagers to convert what was once a barren land into a green paradise.) After the cyclone, it took several days to clear up the roads and streets of this international township, and power was restored only after two weeks to the whole area in and around Auroville. My own little garden at home (near Auroville) suffered some loss because of the cyclone.

But I am not interested today in that memory of loss and destruction, or that memory of nature's fury and chaos.

I want to think of the new beginnings instead. I want to think of new life that comes after death, new growth after destruction. That is the story this picture tells.

I clearly remember the day when I took this picture. I had gone to Auroville Visitor Center with my husband, and my niece who was visiting us from Delhi. We were planning to do some shopping and have lunch at the cafe there. I saw this tree stump in the parking lot itself, and was pleasantly surprised to see the new tender green leaves sprouting at the base and the top. What a sight of hope, new life!

While a reminder of what this tree once was was still there nearby in the form of an uprooted trunk of another big tree, the new growth was a proof positive that life doesn't stop. It only takes a little pause now and then, to recuperate its strength, to rejuvenate itself with fresh energy and soon it bounces back. Full of vigour, full of new energy, full of hope and new beginnings. That's what I remember feeling when I witnessed this sight.

The timing was also important because my niece was visiting with an objective to study Economics with me for a few weeks as part of her preparation for her senior secondary examinations (12th grade). She was feeling a bit doubtful about this subject and needed a little boost, a sort of a push to regain her confidence and will to study well for her forthcoming examinations.

She is an intelligent young woman, but it is just that her kind of intelligence is not always recognized or valued by the kind of examination and grading pattern we have in the mainstream Indian schooling system, especially at the level of "board" examinations. And the system is such that if a student doesn't score well in these public examinations, her further education including admission to a good college may become very difficult.

She knew she needed to do well, at least reasonably well, in the examinations, but just needed some gentle push and some one-on-one guidance for at least a little period of time. And of course I was extremely happy when she chose to come and stay with me and thought that I could be the person to give her what she needed.

I can't say what, if any, help I was for her at that time. But all I can say is that the visit provided me an opportunity to bond with my lovely young niece and renew myself with that youthful energy. I also got an opportunity to recognize and realize what an important asset a healthy sense of self-confidence is, especially for the youth preparing themselves for the big world out there.

A renewal of this confidence in oneself, in one's capabilities and unique intelligence is necessary from time to time. For all of us. We all go through times when a refresher dose of hope and optimism is required. This rekindling of hope, this constant renewal is what gives us the persistent strength to go on pursuing our dreams, walking toward the unknown-to-us future.

That, I believe, is life. A journey, a seeking, a promise of renewal. Sort of like a promise of re-doing, a rebirth almost. In renewing and refreshing ourselves we rediscover ourselves. And perhaps that's how we also re-dedicate ourselves to our goals, dreams and aspirations.

The more we can open ourselves to the Light and Force, the eternal source of all that hope and energy and optimism, the more alive and living we begin to feel. Ready to begin anew.


*****
For the previous post in the series, click here.
For all the posts in this series, click here.

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Linking this post with Write Tribe Wednesday Prompt - Memory triggered by a photograph.






Monday, 12 May 2014

A Family Teatime Tradition

Top post on IndiBlogger.in, the community of Indian Bloggers



A little behind-the-scene look (I am really beginning to like this sort of thing):
This is one of those writings that I wasn't not really planning on doing, but somehow it happened. When I first came to know of an ongoing prompt at Write Tribe about using 6 body part idioms, I was quite sure that this was not my cup of tea. I couldn't see myself using an idiom-filled expression, that is just not me I thought. But somehow a few days later came this little idea from somewhere which somehow didn't mind expressing itself through an idiom-filled language. And there you have it…

I feel like I am back in my English class in middle school, but it is fun being back there. I enjoyed my English classes :)




The two often didn't see eye to eye on many things.

Most of the mornings during their teatime on the veranda…

…she would tell her that real world of business was not what was taught in the management schools. One has to learn by experience how the game is played, learn the rules of the game, and then also learn how and when to break the rules. This, she would say, was the only way to keep moving up.

…she would tell her about those hard times when she got a real kick in the teeth, and that too from colleagues she thought were on her side.

...she would tell her about an important lesson she had learned in her 20+ years in the world of big business - one must always walk with an ear glued to the ground so as not to be caught unaware.

…she would tell her that sometimes the best thing to do in some pesky situations at workplace was simply to do nothing or drag one’s feet at the most.

…she would tell her to protect her self-interest at all cost and not get involved in things like personality clashes and inter-personal conflicts, because while the clever ones get away unharmed it is generally the more idealistic ones who end up with egg on their face in such situations.

She knew her words often went unheard. Deep in her heart she didn't mind being ignored. But still she had to speak of those things...


And today her daughter was forced to resign from her job after just a few months, because she wouldn't let go of her idealism. “Like father, like daughter,” she mumbled as she kept her phone down and got ready for her next meeting. As a senior vice president in the same company, she couldn't let a silly thing like idealism come in the way of her upcoming promotion. Even if it was her daughter’s idealism.

That night when she reached home after 11 and saw her 23-year-old daughter sleeping soundly as if nothing is wrong with the world, she had a gut feeling that all would be well with her child. She closed gently the half-open book 'Management by Consciousness' resting on her daughter's quilt, kept it on the bedside table and switched off the light. And she smiled at her dead husband’s picture in her room, mumbled “like father, like daughter” and picked up her laptop for a video-call to the US.

She and he too could not see eye to eye on many things, her mind wandered to those morning teatime conversations with her husband as she waited for others to join the call.



“The pragmatic intellect is only sure of a thing when it finds it realised in Power; therefore it has a certain contempt for the ideal, for the vision, because it drives always at execution and material realisation. But Power is not the only term of the Godhead; Knowledge is the elder sister of Power…” 
~ Sri Aurobindo, CWSA, Volume 13, p. 112

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Monday, 17 February 2014

Alone and Together


Without You
Photo by Lafugue Logos. Sourced from here



Fifty-two years. Together.
Today is fifty-third. 
Alone. 

Emptiness. Sadness. 
Memories. Thoughts. 
Emptiness.

Can't speak of this. Why speak. 
The children grieve. Don't speak. 
Silence. Mourning. 
Alone and Together. In Silence. 

She lives. In children.
In me. With me. 
In Sounds of Silence. 
Thoughts. Memories.

Fifty-three years. Together.
Alone. Together. 



Poem by Gulzar. Read by Nana Patekar


Linking this post to DPChallenge: The Sound of Silence

Monday, 18 November 2013

Journey toward Light

Spiritual significance of the flower: Immortality 
Forms are in perpetual transformation; identify yourself with the Immortal Consciousness and you will become it.
Botanical name: Gomphrena globosa, Globe amaranth, Bachelor's button 



Thirteen days have passed since my last post on this blog.

A life-transforming experience has happened during this time.

One of the greatest, eternal truths of Life has revealed itself, in a very upclose and personal manner. A moment of acceptance, a moment of letting go, a moment of surrender, a moment of awakening - the moment gave so much as it took away so much. The moment of earthly goodbye became a moment of lifelong blessing. Witnessing the Journey toward Light continues to change so much...inwardly.

Death is not the opposite of Life. Death is the opposite of Birth. Life goes on. Only Form changes. The essence of the Departed One takes a Formless Form and continues to bless and love and be with the loved ones.

"The world we live in is not a meaningless accident that has unaccountably taken place in the void of Space; it is the scene of an evolution in which an eternal Truth has been embodied, hidden in a form of things, and is secretly in process of unfoldment through the ages. There is a meaning in our existence, a purpose in our birth and death and travail, a consummation of all our labour. All are parts of a single plan; nothing has been idly made in the universe; nothing is vain in our life."
Sri Aurobindo, Essays Divine and Human 

In her memory, because she loved it so....




May the peace continue to prevail in the midst of the pain, may the rememberance of the eternal truth continue to give strength.



Friday, 25 October 2013

Those Quiet Memories



Painting by Bindu Popli


A quiet, lazy summer afternoon.

A mother and a daughter sitting side by side on comfortable chairs. Sitting quietly. The daughter is idly browsing through some files on her cell phone, looking for nothing in particular. The mother is meditating with her eyes closed. Or at least trying to meditate. A nice, warm feeling prevails in the room. No sounds, except the slight hiss of the airconditioner, mixed with their quiet breathing.

Out of the blue, the mother opens her eyes and asks the daughter what she was doing. Nothing, she says, and stops fidgeting with her phone. Turns toward her mother, wating for her to speak.

"Do you have any old bhajans on your phone?"

"I don't think so, but let me check. I may have a couple. Do you want to hear some bhajans?"

"No, not really. I just asked because your sister has a lot of bhajans on her phone. The other day, when she visited she played some for me."

"Well, I only keep a few old songs on my phone...here, I found this old song, I think you may like it. Do you want to hear it?"

"Ok, play it."


Voice of Manna Dey, who died yesterday, 24 Oct 2013, Music by Salil Choudhary


As the song plays, they both listen quietly. The song ends. The daughter plays it again. A few tears begin to swell up in corners of their eyes. The song ends. They sit quietly. Just with each other. Just by each other's side. Nobody says anything. Only the silence speaks. Speaks of a quiet love, a quiet longing, maybe a quiet fear of what is to come.

They both know the inevitable can happen any day. The daughter may never have such an afternoon again with her mother. The deadly disease could strike its final blow any day. The memory will always remain with her, of that quiet afternoon, those few minutes spent in her mother's drawing room...listening to the lines...

maa.n kaa dil ban ke kabhii siine se lag jaataa hai tuu 
aur kabhii nanhii.n sii beTii ban ke yaad aataa hai tuu
jitnaa yaad aataa hai mujhko utnaa taDpaataa hai tuu
tujh pe dil qurbaan 

Sometimes you cling to my chest as my mother’s heart,
and sometimes I remember you as my little daughter.
The more I remember you, the more you torment me.
I shall sacrifice my heart for you. 

Motherland. Land of her mother. Her mother's home. Her motherland. What will it be like to visit that home when she is gone? Does a mother's home, a mother's land remain so when the mother is gone?

The daughter may never know the reason why she chose that particular song to share with her mother that afternoon. May be she will.

Click here for the previous post in this series.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

When Beauty Disappeared....Partition Memories, Family Narratives

One of my favourite poems penned by legendary Amrita Pritam is the one she wrote to express her deep anguish and heart-felt pain over the bloody partition of India in 1947. The highly moving poem titled, "Aj Aakhan Waris Shah Nu..." till this day speaks of the horror that partition brought upon people of Punjab.

Amrita Pritam reciting this poem in her voice

Another heart-rending rendition of the same poem




*****

Remembering Partition

Speaking of poems and partition, here is another one...it tells a different story, a behind-the-scene action that resulted in such horrible pain for millions of innocents who lost their lives, homes, and all human dignity.

Unbiased at least he was when he arrived on his mission,
Having never set eyes on the land he was called to partition
Between two peoples fanatically at odds,
With their different diets and incompatible gods.
‘Time,’ they had briefed him in London, ‘is short. It’s too late
For mutual reconciliation or rational debate:
The only solution now lies in separation.
The Viceroy thinks, as you will see from his letter,
That the less you are seen in his company the better,
So we’ve arranged to provide you with other accommodation.
We can give you four judges, two Moslem and two Hindu,
To consult with, but the final decision must rest with you.’

Shut up in a lonely mansion, with police night and day
Patrolling the gardens to keep the assassins away,
He got down to work, to the task of settling the fate
Of millions. The maps at his disposal were out of date
And the Census Returns almost certainly incorrect,
But there was no time to check them, no time to inspect
Contested areas. The weather was frightfully hot,
And a bout of dysentery kept him constantly on the trot,
But in seven weeks it was done, the frontiers decided,
A continent for better or worse divided.

The next day he sailed for England, where he could quickly forget
The case, as a good lawyer must. Return he would not,
Afraid, as he told his Club, that he might get shot.

~ W.H. Auden, Collected Poems, 1976, p. 604.


“The task of settling the fate of millions” was done in seven weeks. But the memories of the people whose fate was settled linger for decades to come. As a daughter and granddaughter of refugees from Pakistan, I have always been interested in learning more about Partition. But it is not necessarily the ‘official history’ about the events that led up to the Partition that interest me. It is the narratives of people whose fates were decided by a line drawn on a map. More specifically, it is the narratives of people that are closest to me that interest me the most.

Growing up I heard many stories from both my grandmothers about what their lives were like in what is now Pakistan. Some of these stories were also about Partition and their families’ journeys to India. I wish I could remember much about those stories but memories about past fade as children grow up and get busy with the mundane and not-so-mundane of the present. I remember hearing some stories from my aunts and uncles, but sadly I don’t remember much about the pain in those stories. What I remember most are the stories I heard from my parents, because these were often repeated and discussed as details would often vary from one telling to the next. In these tellings and re-tellings, my parents who at the time of Partition were only 13 and 7, constructed their stories from their selected and fading memories of that time and from the selected and fading memories of what they had heard from their parents and other relatives.

Listening to these stories would bring up different images for me – of an imagined home where my mother played gitte with her younger sister in the aangan, of the nicely scrubbed black slate she would carry to her school, of my naniji walking daily to the mandir and then gurudwara in the morning, of the old haveli with a dark basement that my naniji grew up in, of my naniji trying to steal a handful of kaju and pista from the large gunny bags that my great-grandfather would store in the basement. Listening to these stories would also bring different feelings in me – of loss and displacement, of wondering if I would ever be able to see the place where my father was born and learned to play gulli-danda, where my mother first learned how to cover her head properly with her dupatta when she went out, of wondering if my parents missed those ‘homes’ in any way, of wondering if they still carried any pain about what they had lost.

I wanted to ask them more, but I couldn’t. I want to ask them more, but I can’t. These are not easy memories to bring to the forefront. These are not complete memories (which memories ever are?), these are perhaps not even truly true memories. These are memories that take shape as people tell them and then tell them again; these are memories that are incomplete, fragmented, and constructed. But these are part of my history, my story. And as I write them down, I too weave an incomplete and fragmented web of constructed memories from my listening and re-listening of, my remembering and forgetting Partition Stories.


My Mother Remembers….

     
     I was not even eight. It was just few days before August 15, can’t remember the date.

Bau-ji (my father) told all of us to pack our things. I remember we had these four big trunks, we packed our clothes and some utensils. Jhai-ji (my mother) had these big copper handis that she brought with her from her father’s home at the time of her wedding, she didn’t want to leave those behind in case they got stolen while they were gone. But what to do? She could take only those few and smaller utensils that could fit in the trunks, after all who was going to carry those heavy trunks? She hid some of those under the charpai (cot) when we left the home. Bau-ji told us that we would be gone only for a little while and then we would return to our home. I think he didn’t want us to worry that we would have no home where we were going.

I remember Jhai-ji tying this piece of cloth around her waist. She had hidden some cash and her jewelry in the layers of that cloth. She also convinced Bau-ji that they must carry her sewing machine. It was also something from her dowry. When we started living in Jalandhar, she actually sowed clothes on that machine for about two years for many people in our mohalla (neighbourhood). The money she got from that really helped. But she also felt bad that she didn’t have much education, otherwise she could have done some other work. She always used to tell all of us daughters that we should at least have a B.A. and if possible also some professional/vocational training. I remember her strongly arguing with Bau-ji when he didn’t want me to go and live in the hostel for my teacher training course.

But I am getting ahead of the story.

Back to that day…I remember this feeling of excitement that we were going on this journey. Jhai-ji (mother) had told me that it would be a long journey. I wore my new salwar-kameez. My bua-ji (father’s sister) and her family also came with us in the same bus. There were seven or eight buses that left at the same time.

I slept for most of the journey.  One time I thought I heard these strange, loud noises. Ho-ho-ho. Dhum, dhum, dhum. Loud banging on the outside of the bus. Darvaza kholo, sab bahar niklo (Open the door, come out all of you!). Angry noises. I was hardly awake. I remember Jhai-ji’s face…she looked very scared, she and other women were shouting. Shouting in fear. Too much noise in the bus. Too much noise outside the bus. Noise of fear. Noise of fury. I wanted to sleep.

The mobs didn’t do anything, or maybe they couldn’t. The bus drivers and the passengers were shouting at the mobs. It was just too noisy, I was very frightened. I started to cry, cry real loudly. There were many children in the bus, some were still sleeping, but many were crying. I still remember all the noise and shouting, it was so scary. I don’t want to remember all that now.

The bus left us at some place near the border. We had to still walk for a very long time, I think we walked for about two hours. There were all these kafile along the road. People carrying heavy luggage. But we also saw so many pieces of luggage just abandoned on the roadside, things being burned, things that people couldn’t carry on their shoulders, or heads, things that couldn’t be easily dragged. We also saw some people sitting on the side of the dirt roads, some just lying there, don’t know if they were dead. We heard stories later that so many women killed themselves by jumping into the wells - also difficult to be carried along.

We had to cross some sort of canal to reach the Indian side. There were men there who were giving directions to people on how to get to the camp, where to register names etc. We lived in this camp for about a month. There were all these kids running around all over the place. Women cooking outside the tents, men just standing, talking or walking around. It seemed like a picnic but it was not. Even I knew that. There was a strange kind of quietness there, even when people cried.

Bau-ji went somewhere on most days. Sometimes he would go with other men from the camp. One day he came back and told us that he had found a house. We carried our luggage and went with him. But when we reached there, we saw that some other people were already living in house he had ‘selected’ for us. In those days, people were just occupying the houses that were abandoned, no claims or proper registry was being done. All that happened much later. Bau-ji went running, and found another house in the same street. We just started living there.

I remember what our house looked like in Pakistan. We had two rooms in the house, it was a two-storey house. All the buildings in that row looked similar, with shops below and houses above. I also vaguely remember the path I used to take to get to my school. The school was inside the Sanatan Dharma Mandir. I didn’t have many friends, but I used to walk to school with some other girls from our mohalla. I didn’t have any Muslim friends, but some of our neighbours were Muslims. In those days a lot of people kept cows at home for milk. When we were about to leave for India, Jhai-ji asked one of the Muslim neighbours who lived next door to take care of our cow.

I don’t remember anymore.


My Father Remembers…to be continued….